Dear Children of the Horn…

KU, OU, Mizzou, ISU, Okie State, K-State: Welcome to your nightmare

An article is fanning the flames of hate for Texas around the Husker Nation.  If you haven’t read it, see it here.

Now usually, I don’t get entangled in wars of words with other members of the media, but I thought just this once I could take this one time to make an exception.  There was just too many things left hanging that deserve a response, so let’s have some fun.

Husker fans, we appreciate the passion you show toward your football team. As Texas fans, we have always admired you and appreciated your tradition and class.

Really?  You admire something about someone else other than yourselves?  Holy freakin’ crap, the sky is falling!

But you began a dance with the dark side a few years ago by hiring a coach from the Bob Stoops tree.

I assume here, you are talking about one Mark “Bo” Pelini.  True, Pelini played for Bob Stoops’s father Ron at Cardinal Mooney.  True, the Pelini and Stoops families are close.  But while Bob Stoops was making his bones at K-State and Florida before going to Oklahoma, Pelini was playing for Ohio State; G.A. at Iowa; assistant at Cardinal Mooney and then off to the NFL with the 49ers, Patriots and Packers.  The only time Pelini worked under Stoops was for the single season at OU after the firing of Frank Solich – and that was a one year layover until Pelini found LSU.  While Pelini would be proud to call Stoops a mentor of sorts, his coaching acumen was most forged by Pete Carroll and George Seifert. 

But somewhere – say, with about one second left on the clock in last year’s Big 12 championship game – you changed. I don’t recall Osborne ever going into a rage with officials after losing a tough game, and he’s lost a ton of games much bigger than the one you lost to Texas last December.

That’s Bo.  He’s not Tom Osborne.  We get that.  Osborne has also been compared to Joe Paterno and I once saw Paterno chase a ref up the ramp after a game at full sprint.  Just sayin….

I don’t remember him cussing his opponent, or blaming the referees or money or anything else for a loss. Heck, he’s even friendly with Barry Switzer.

Yes, and Pelini is friends with Bob Stoops.  Your point?

Since December, when the referees (accurately) “put one second back” on the clock, you’ve become a loud, antagonizing, arrogant, ignorant, fact-ignoring, excuse-riddled shell of a program you used to be. You’ve become Oklahoma.

Here’s where we can find common ground.  I too feel that the one second was correctly put back on the clock, but let’s face it, due to the embarrassingly incompetent final few seconds of that game it’s hard not to still feel a little peeved about the result.  Ask any team that’s been beaten by a freakishly unusual circumstance.  Hail Mary passes.  The Stanford band.  The ’72 U.S. Olympic basketball team.  Right or wrong it sucks to lose like that.  Your fans…ANY fans would still harbor bitterness….especially after watching Nebraska’s so-called “One Man Gang” defense (Suh) utterly confuse and befuddle the great Colt McCoy (and cost him “his” Heisman) and the supposedly unstoppable Texas offense.  It also is extra galling when your charm school doctorate head coach boldly goes on national TV right after the game and says “we knew we had time left all along.”  BEVO CRAP!  Mack Brown had no more grasp of the situation than Barack Obama has a firm hold on the U.S. Department of Agriculture.  While your defense was also stout that night (thanks in part to the worst offensive game plan this side of the 2004 Iowa State game) you won because of dumb luck.  Didn’t cheat.  Didn’t pay off anybody.  But dumb damn luck.

Worse – for you – you’ve done something Osborne wouldn’t have dreamed of doing: you’ve publically called out an opponent. As everyone from Lincoln to Austin has heard, the crack group of Nebraska marketers (another oxymoron) decided to produce a video (www.redoutaroundtheworld.com) that encourages fan zaniness with a thinly-veiled ultimate goal: Beat Texas.

Again, won’t disagree.  The “Beat Texas” thing was not Nebraska.  But it was also conceived well before the Big Ten/Big 12 discussion, too.  Last winter in fact.  The original thought was to pick this one game to bring back the alums for a celebration (see, last year’s OU game and the 2003 Husker Nation celebration.)  So why not do it during the biggest game of the year?  We didn’t even need to play last year’s conference championship to know what the biggest home game on the 2010 schedule was going to be.  Of course, things changed dramatically since the decision was made last winter to use October 16th as the target date.  That’s Nebraska’s fault for not changing with the dynamics of the situation – they’ve admitted that.

To his credit, Osborne has ordered the ‘Beat Texas’ part of the message deleted, but he is definitely a part of this entire build-up. He’s the director of athletics, and he’s the one who hired the coaching staff. And maybe we shouldn’t be surprised by Osborne’s role in all of this. After all, he’s the one who orchestrated the Huskers’ move to the Big Ten, though he has denied that Nebraska moved primarily because of angst against Texas.

Let me repeat something I wrote here back in June about this topic.  THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU, TEXAS!  Sure, having you goat-ropers around has made things difficult and sometimes unbearable to deal with, but when an offer like the Big Ten comes around, YOU TAKE IT!  Athletically, academically, culturally.  It all fits for Nebraska.  Even better than if we were just still in the old Big 8.  This move will impact the entire university for generations – and very, very, very likely in a positive way.  Nebraska doesn’t have the population and the big money.  It needs every advantage it can get both on the field and in the classroom to be a top-flight school.  Big Ten money, Big Ten power, Big Ten academics and Big Ten prestige give Nebraska that advantage.  The Big 12 can’t do that.  Even riding your esteemed coattails.

After his coaching career ended, Osborne spent some time representing his state in Washington, so between rubbing elbows with politicians and Oklahomans, maybe we shouldn’t be altogether surprised by his transformation. It gets pretty muddy in there with the pigs.

I’m going to forgive your ignorance on this subject.  Yes, Tom Osborne was in Washington, but the man is as grounded and steadfast in his beliefs, faith and integrity as he has ever been.

The problem with your newly-discovered petulance is that not only do you not have the tools in the toolbox to complete your task (a.k.a., an offense), but your attempts to drum up support are not only completely unoriginal, but also personal.

Yes, the offense sucked last year.  So that means it will suck every year henceforth?  Someone tell Taylor Martinez, there might be time to transfer.  And by the way, what do you mean “personal.”  The video said “Beat Texas.”  That’s personal?!?  Dang, no wonder you guys send people to death row for jaywalking.

Still, how can we Texas fans not appreciate you imploring your backers to “Be Loud”? After all, Texas came up with that line more than 10 years ago.

You invented the line “Be Loud?”  Damn, so you did come up with something more than just Jimmy Dean sausage (mmmmmm, sausage.)

You’ve also asked your fan base to “Come Early,” which must’ve excited your marketing folks when the idea was first tossed across the picnic table outside the barn. Texas first thought of this in Ricky Williams’ Heisman year

And you came up with the concept “Come Early” too?!?!  Son of a bi………..

The “red-out” aspect of your promotion is quaint, but unoriginal. Do you really have to tell Huskers’ fans to wear red? Really?

Agreed.  I hate it too.  Been doing it since the invention of red polyester.  We are not fashion trend setters.

Here’s the deal: had you won last December’s game (you didn’t), Mack Brown would’ve been the first one to cross the field and shake your coach’s hand. He would’ve been gracious in defeat, as always. The refs wouldn’t have been blamed. Bank accounts would’ve have been blamed. DeLoss Dodds wouldn’t have had to be in the tunnel after the game calming down his coaching staff (Will Muschamp being the possible exception).

No, Mack Brown would have been too busy running from the posse who were out to hang him for his dumbass handling of the last 30 seconds.

And like you, the Longhorns will be ready on Oct. 16. A game that would’ve been a great game between a pair of programs with mutual respect has now become a “game to circle” for both teams.

Oh crap!  (yelling off mic) “Hey ma!  You know that Texas game that nobody gave a crap about?  Yeah.  Well since Nebraska started that redout video thing, we’ve done pissed ’em all off.  Yeah, that Big Ten talk and conference championship game really didn’t mean a whole lot.  Yep, it was going to be just another Saturday.  But now……Boy Howdy are we in for a heap a trouble!”

The problem for you, though, is simple: you don’t have the players to make your dream come true. Your marketing team certainly has plenty of swagger, but your real swagger – spelled S-U-H – is not walking through that door.

(Off mic again) “Dammit, ma!  Why didn’t you tell me that Big Suh wasn’t gonna be around anymore?!!?  Yeah, apparently not only was he the only player on the Blackshirts last year, he took the whole damn swagger with him, too!  We cain’t win without swagger!  It’s like Austin Powers without his mojo!”

When next year begins, you’ll beat Western Kentucky and Idaho, and then you’ll lose in Seattle to Washington, to a team with one of the best quarterbacks in the country.

That’s okay, he’s playing Prince Amukamara, one of the best defensive backs in the country.

You’ll beat San Diego State,

When did San Diego State appear on our schedule?

and then you might very well lose also to Kansas State in Manhattan one game before hosting Texas. It’s a very real possibility that you’ll have two losses before your red-out game with Texas. Your video will look silly then; you’ll have burnt orange crop circles in your corn.

Burnt orange?  In the corn?  (pause for thought)  FREE CAP’N CRUNCH FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you’ll lose to a Texas team fueled at least in part by your lack of respect given since last December. Your red throng will file out of the stadium disappointed, again, still bitching about that one second from last year’s title game.

No, probably cursing Shawn Watson for his game plan.  That’s how we roll.

But then your hopes will be buoyed with another thought as you click on the radio

Hopefully listening to 1400 KLIN, of course.

and begin to listen to a litany of excuses for the ninth loss to UT in 10 tries:

I’m sure that Mack Brown’s customary dumb luck against Nebraska will somehow play a factor.  (SEE: Jammal Lord INT after deciding to punt to DeJuan Groce in 2002; Terrence Nunn fumble in 2006; taking three quarters to figure out that Jamaal Charles could run against the worst NU defense in history in 2007; last year’s CCG….)

the Big 12 North is crummy,

See what you’re stuck with Missouri, Kansas, K-State, Iowa State?……they still love you in Austin.

so maybe we’ll win the division again and make things right by facing Texas for the championship in Dallas.

Actually, we’re hoping for Oklahoma.  Remember, our coach is a Bob Stoops disciple.

Texas fans would like that very much.

But who will you root for if it’s Nebraska-Oklahoma?

(Sarcasm mode, off)  See y’all in October!